3 options, 1 choice

When your told that the child your carrying has a serious life changing or life limiting condition your given 3 choices.

First is to ‘interrupt the pregnancy’. These were the exact words that were used. Not abortion, not termination. I asked how many people go down this route, the nurse said she would say about 5% of babies that would have survived with intervention. (This does not include babies that have a condition that is not compatible with life.)

This was never an option for us. Although hypothetically it was discussed. I explained to Rob that it wouldn’t be a case of taking a tablet and the baby just ‘going away’. I would have to birth him. There was no way I could face that in a million years!! Also it would have been for us, not for him. There are many children that live full happy lives with heart defects. For us, it would have been a selfish choice so we could go on and have a ‘normal baby’.

I always said that under no circumstances I would terminate a pregnancy, even if the baby was incompatable with life. I wanted to carry to term and donate what organs could be donated, to help another family, and carry on a legacy in one way or another. Now… I’m not so sure I could. The pain I felt when pregnant was incomprehensible, when strangers asked about the baby, or congratulated me, I’d smile, nod and thank them. But inside I was dying, I wanted to scream at them, ‘there’s something wrong with my baby!! Did you know??’ I don’t think I could go through that knowing I wouldn’t have a baby to take home at the end of it. I feel I’m not as strong as I thought I once was. Which I find sad, and guilty about.

On the subject of abortion I am unequivocally pro-choice. Women have to have the right to decide what is right for them and their bodies. They have to be supported to access safe care and support when making these decisions.

On a more personal level I would say the subject makes me decidedly uneasy as abortion in general is something I would not and could not choose for myself. I am catholic, I went to catholic schools so obviously the underlining teachings on the issue are ingrained in me, but that’s not really what dictates my view. Further more I would never say someone is wrong or judge them on any decision that they would make. This is just my feelings for myself. The narrative however makes me particularly uneasy. The ‘bunch of cells’ argument upsets me, not because it’s used to justify. It shouldn’t need to be justified, it socially accepted and its law. That’s all the justification that should be needed. But because so many people close to me have lost that ‘bunch of cells’ in early miscarriage. To them it is certainly not a bunch of cells. It’s life, it’s hope, it’s a future lost, and it’s heartbreaking. To them no matter how early they lost their baby, they will always parents to a precious angel xx.

I’m sorry if I have upset or offended anyone with my thoughts, but that’s all they are… my thoughts, much love xxx

The second is ‘comfort care’. This means you would carry your baby to term. Give birth and not use any medical intervention to help or prolong the babies life. This is an even rarer choice. I can’t imagine the pain of deciding to carry a baby, to give birth, love it, even care for it for a time, only for them to slowly slip
in front of your eyes. I know parents don’t do this to be cruel, I would never suggest they were. They do it because they believe it is the right thing for the child. That intervening would not be in the child’s best interest, as the life they would lead would be a difficult, restricted and dangerous one. Again this wasnt for us.

The final option is surgical, the option we have opted for. We want our little boy to be happy and healthy and will accept any intervention that will bring us closer to that goal. But its terrifying!! The prospect of changing him from what he is feels fundamentally wrong, bit he needs this to survive. Not be fixed… that’s not an option, but a good life, although it be different than expected is an option.

Like I said in a previous post I’ve worked with a lot of children in my job. Some having small routine operations, some having major surgery. I always hoped that if I had a severely disabled child I would be strong enough to say when the time came ‘enough’, rather than fight to keep them with me, regardless of the consequences for them. Such as pain, and extremely poor or no quality of life. I would never want them to suffer and see no end to it, they would ever get better. I hope against hope it is never a situation I find myself in.

Having decided on this choice we had to wait to have our baby. Although the echoes and scans were positive in all other respects there can be no certainties until the baby is here in your arms. We just had to keep our fingers crossed that what it said on the tin was actually what was inside!