24 hours

24 hours after being referred to Leeds me and Rob were sitting in the waiting room waiting for a cardiac fetal echo. That’s when I knew it must be ‘something’. The NHS doesn’t work that fast unless there’s a reason for it.

The echo took about 20 minutes, if it wasn’t anything I would of probably been in and out in 5 mins. As the minutes passed by my hope of a simple hole slipped further and further away. I could here the words, the terminology of which some I understood.

When they had finished they gave me a piece of tissue to wipe off the gel and told us that there was something wrong. I asked how wrong, the doctor said:

‘Let’s go discuss it next door’

I replied ‘really wrong then?’

I just knew it.

Rob grabbed my bag, coat and hand and we were walked next door in to a room with comfy sofas and boxes of tissues. This was it.

We were told what was wrong with our baby’s heart, namely the septum dividing the ventricles (the chambers that pump blood round the body) was all but missing. Our little one had tried to grow it but decided against finishing it off. There was also a few other thing such as a narrowing of the vessel that went to the lungs and also the main vessels that left the heart weren’t exactly where they should be. The left side of the heart was also slightly smaller than it should be.

My friend who is a perfusionist came to sit with us as I knew I’d need to ask her questions at a later date. Which I have and she’s answered them honestly, with both hope and reality, which I need to hear.

When describing the defect they draw a picture, on one side a ‘normal’ heart. On the other the heart of your baby. Surprisingly all the way through the explanation all I could think was:

‘The picture is upside down’

It’s strange what your brain focuses on when all that’s being told to you is bad news. I even found it amusing! Maybe it was a defence mechanism, and it probably worked as neither me or Rob cried in that room. We sat there taking it in. Me asking irrational questions that although medical had next to no bearing on the condition. I had some knowledge about the heart but I didn’t have enough not to think the worst and put into context what we were hearing.

We were given the worst possible news in the best possible way. The support we received in that room was second to none and I will be forever grateful to the staff with the care that was taken with me and Rob. It was the foundation blocks we needed moving forward.

We sat there sort of taking it in for and hour and a half until Rob clapped his hands together and said ‘right we’re going home.’ Just like he does when we finish drinks at a pub and say goodbye to friends.

I was just staring at the wall.

We went back the next day, for a further 2 hours. Where so many of the fears we had built up in our head were knocked down.

24 hours after leaving that room heartbroken wondering how we were going to cope, we left full of hope for a very different future we’d imagined.